You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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