Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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