Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
