So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
