Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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