I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
