In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
