Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
