Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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