Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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