well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
