I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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