I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
