I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
