I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
