So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
