so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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