I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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