even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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