You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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