You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
