The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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