I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
