why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
