The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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