if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you didnt know i had herpes?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
