Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
