You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize