I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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