I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
