I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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