I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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