Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
