you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
