You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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