I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
