and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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