Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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