I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Sober January is a disaster.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
