Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
