I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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