Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
