The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
