When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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