Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
