God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
