I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This is my gift to your gina
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
