White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
