I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
