So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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